Afterlife
by raidra
Summary: The Farplane will never be the same since Tidus, Auron and Jecht came around. See the many adventures they go through! Auron traded his katana for a wooden stick named Dirty Dan, Jecht does nothing but drink, and Tidus is still a clueless crybaby.
1. The Farplane

Afterlife  
  
He awoke, at first not knowing where he was, barely remembering what had happened to him. Tidus stood there, his new life to start. A completely new adventure. His afterlife.   
  
Chapter 1: The Farplane   
  
Tidus wandered around. The Farplane was far different from what he expected. Tall buildings surrounded him, reminding him of Zanarkand. Pyreflies filled the air. It was quite a sight to behold.   
  
WHACK   
  
"Hey! What's the big idea?" Tidus turned around to see Auron holding a stick and smiling like a madman.   
  
"My new weapon... I call it, Dirty Dan."   
  
"Okay..." Tidus rubbed his head "So, where do we go now?" And of course, Tidus is still clueless and dumb. Anyway...   
  
"Our apartment room, of course. Jecht is waiting for you."   
  
Oddly Auron wouldn't stop staring at his wooden stick. Truthfully Auron hated the thing, he wanted his precious Katana back, but no sharp weapons were allowed in the Farplane. Go figure, it's not like you could kill anyone. Everyone's already dead. These were the thoughts that went through Auron's little head. Little... and demented. Meanwhile all Tidus could think about was seeing his old man again. He really wasn't sure of what to think about seeing him. Mostly Tidus was scared and embarrassed since he did, afterall, cry like a bitch when Jecht died.   
  
As Auron led Tidus through the Farplane, a little girl holding a doll walked up to them.   
  
"Uh... hey there."   
  
The girl looked up. "I eat rabbits for breakfast... Kekekekeke... HAHAHAHA!!!" The girl giggled madly as Tidus just backed away slowly. Auron pulled him away.   
  
"It's best to ignore ones like that. They're dead for a reason." Suddenly Tidus was scared. Very scared. But this shouldn't really surprise you. He wanted to go back with Yuna and her guardians. He missed Wakka and the way he would stare in the mirror for hours saying 'I'm a sexy beast, ya!'. He missed Lulu for her revealing clothes. He even missed Kimahri, who was basically good for nothing. Just when Tidus wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, they came to a stop. A large apartment building towered above them.   
  
"Nice place." Tidus said trying to smile. But just as he said this a man ran out of his door, covered in gummie bears.   
  
"The gummie bears have risen! They attacked me! Attacked me while I slept, they did!" The man yelled and ran down the street. Tidus stared at the man while Auron still seemed to be glaring at his stick. The scary thing was this guy looked so familiar...   
  
"Here are the keys." Auron handed them to Tidus.   
  
"What? Where are you going?"   
  
"To buy... a box of gummie bears." So Auron walked off, leaving Tidus alone in this strange place.   
  
What luck, the room was next to the crazy gummie bear man's room. Tidus sowly opened the door. The place was already a mess. Jecht and Auron were only sent a few minutes before Tidus, so he didn't even want to think about what they could've been doing. The piles of socks on the floor meant Jecht was trying to play limbo by tying them together, Tidus knew this much. But... where the hell was Jecht?  
  
"HONEY!" Jecht appeared out of nowhere and tackled Tidus to the ground. He began tickling him and soon they were both rolling on the floor laughing, though Tidus unwillingly.   
  
"BACK! Get back, foul beast!" Auron lept from the front door which was still open and started beating on Jecht with his stick, or, Dirty Dan. And though no one would be able to tell just looking at him, deep down Auron enjoyed this very much.   
  
"He got to the beer."   
  
"Yeah, I can tell." Tidus sighed.   
  
"Why don't you go meet the neighbor next door?"   
  
"What? That crazy guy?"   
  
"Yes, didn't you notice who that was?"   
  
Tidus rubbed his head. Still he's clueless. "I don't think I want to know..."   
  
Jeez, couldn't this kid get a clue? Auron just wanted him to leave, for some precious alone time with Jecht... Okay, that sounds gross. Anyway, Auron reached for Dirty Dan. This seemed to show Tidus something. He ran out the door. It's not like he had anything better to do though, since anything is better than being in the same room as Jecht when he's drunk.   
  
Slowly Tidus knocked on the door. He could hear a faint voice from inside, though he couldn't tell what he was saying. Tidus waited in anticipation. The door opened. It was-   
  
Sorry, the author has been taken away to a special place, a place with squishy walls where she cannot harm anyone or herself.   
  
Authors Note: Hahaha, Who is the crazy gummie bear man? I'm not telling :x So what did ya think of that chapter? Interesing, funny, complete crap? Well it was complete crap to write! I don't have Spell check anymore, and woo, is that a pain. I've come to miss the little paperclip man on microsoft word. You know what I'm talking about, right? Anyway, I've got to be the worst typist in the world. Some of the misspellings were embarrasing. But the worst of all was spelling Tidus. Tidis, Todos, Tiddies! Another thing is I've never written without using the script type writing. I'd give myself about a 2 out of 10 in organization... Well, hopefully you enjoyed this chapter, and I promise you the next one will be good too. I'll update soon... yeah right.   
  
Disclaimer (oh, how these suck.): I don't own any of the characters no matter how much I let on. 


	2. HAPPY MEATY SAUSAGE!

Afterlife  
  
Authors ramblings: First, thank you Moo for proof reading since I seem to miss everything. And thanks for adding the disclaimer because I'm dumb and forgot. Yay.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Auron, Tidus, Jecht, Cloud, NOTHING.  
  
Chapter 2: Happy Meaty Sausage!!  
  
"Luzzu?" Tidus looked at Luzzu as he stood there shaking and looking in all directions.   
  
(AN: HA! You never would have expected that! *gets hit by rocks* )  
  
Anyway, Luzzu glanced at Tidus and began sniffing him. "Oh, you're that crazy kid that played blitzball with Wakka. Right?"  
  
Tidus just stared at the Crusader. What happened to this guy? Did the Farplane do this to him, or was he just on drugs? He hoped it was just drugs...  
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
Tidus looked behind him to see girls, many girls, many sexy girls standing there. What the hell was going on? Tidus thought he had gone insane.  
  
"Ah, ladies. Come right in. I'll be with you in a moment." Luzzu smiled as the girls walked in. "Time to get kinky... Oh, crazy blitzball kid, you can join us anytime you like."  
  
Luzzu winked and closed the door. Tidus still sat there for a few minutes trying to register all this in his head. Eventually he headed back to his room. Inside Auron sat by himself eating from his box of gummie bears on their little couch. Jecht was knocked out on the floor drooling and cuddling with a chocobo plushie.  
  
"Can I have a gummie bear?" Tidus asked, reaching his hand over to the box. Auron slapped his hand away and shook his head. Tidus glared at Auron as he slowly munched on the chewy little bears, obviously mocking Tidus.   
  
"If you want something to eat so badly order yourself a pizza." He said with his teeth covered in pieces of gummie bear.  
  
Tidus walked over to the refrigerator where a list of phone numbers was. Sadly, inside the refrigerator it was completely empty. Anyway... Braska, Chappu, Luzzu, many other dead people, but no pizza. Tidus, about to give up, opened the freezer where there was a... phone book? Oh well. He grabbed it and flipped through the pages.   
  
"Happy Burger, Happy Elementary School, Happy Hospital, Happy Dentistry... everything's happy!" Mumbling to himself Tidus closed the book. "And there's no Happy Pizza in here!"  
  
"Try Happy Meaty Sausage."   
  
"Happy... Sausage? What does that have to do with pizza? I don't get this place at all." Tidus stomped back to the phone book and sure enough found Happy Sausage. Because of money issues they had no phone so Tidus walked outside to the public phone. Happy Telephone... it was a long time since Tidus had seen a telephone. It brought back memories, such as angry girlfriends yelling at him or sometimes even Auron and his lame prank calls. He ordered the pizza and went back home. Yeah, that's about it because the author is lazy.  
  
Tidus rolled around in the small apartment room for what seemed hours. Actually, he really was waiting for hours. When the doorbell did ring he leapt for joy and dodged Auron and Jecht who were both asleep on the floor now. He opened the door to see a short teenager with very, very messy blonde hair sticking up and his face was covered in pimples. He wore a name tag that read "Cloud Strife".  
  
"Happy Meaty Sausage with your super happy pizza, that'll be 25 Gil."   
  
"Alright. Thank you... Cloud Strife."  
  
Suddenly the pizza delivery boy dropped the pizza on the ground and screamed. "HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!"  
  
"Well, you have a na-"  
  
"STALKER!!! STALKER!!!! RAAAAAPE!!!" So little Cloud Strife ran, still screaming. Tidus shrugged his shoulders and grabbed the pizza.  
  
Later that night when the pizza was long gone and all memories of little Cloud Strife were forgotten everyone was asleep on the floor. (Get your minds out of the gutter, yaoi fans!) The night was not over yet, though. Whether they liked it or not, Cloud Strife would return. The doorbell rang. When no one answered it began ringing constantly. Jecht slowly opened his eyes and stumbled up. He walked to the door slowly mumbling things that should not be shared. He opened the door to see Cloud Strife with a large and incredibly fruity smile. Ahem... yes, fruity.   
  
"Who the hell are you?" Jecht blinked.  
  
Cloud frowned and pointed to his name tag. Jecht just stared. Cloud pointed again. Jecht blinked. Cloud pointed again. This lasted for awhile until Jecht eventually caught on.  
  
"Uhh... Clo... Clow... Clown.... Clown Stripper? Okay, Clown Stripper, whadya want?" Jecht slurred.  
  
Cloud sighed and held up the pizza box he held. Jecht looked at it and slammed the door. He began to walk away when the doorbell rang again. Jecht just ignored it, but eventually Tidus woke up and glared at his father. He got up, revealing his jammies with little moogles all over them. Once again the door opened and Cloud had a psychotic smile.   
  
"Don't you want your piiiiizzaaaa?"  
  
"Uhhh..." Before Tidus said anything Jecht ran up to the doorway and pounced on the creepy blonde boy. After Jecht fell off on the ground giggling Cloud dropped the pizza and revealed a gigantic... squirt gun.  
  
"WAHAHA! Prepare to be sauced!" Cloud yelled.  
  
"Sauced?" Jecht stood up and tilted his head.  
  
"Yeah. Sauced." With that Cloud pulled the trigger and red goop sprayed all over Jecht. Jecht licked the sauce and smiled.  
  
"Pizza sauce!"  
  
Cloud pointed the pizza sauce gun at Tidus and was ready to fire. All Tidus did was cower in fear, when footseps were heard behind them.  
  
"Face the wrath of Dirty Dan!!!" Auron jumped from behind and beat on Cloud with the stick.   
  
After Cloud got the crap beaten out of him he ran to his home crying. Jecht was dragged to the bathroom where Auron and Tidus had to bathe him since Jecht couldn't really do anything in his current state. And because I like to pick on Auron, let's say he enjoyed it. By the time they were done it was already morning and no one could sleep when all you can here is Luzzu's maoning and groaning from the other room. Thus the end of their first night! OMGWTFBBQ!!!  
  
More of the authors ramblings:  
  
Wah, author is siiick. Sneezing, sore throat, fever, coughing and hacking to death... oh well, writing this makes me feel better. I'll be working on a Christmas chapter but knowing me it won't be up unitl after Christmas is over XD And... I wanna play FFX-2 dammit! ._.  
  
Oh, and no matter how much it may seem like it, I don't hate Auron. I luv him. I pick on him because I luv him! 


End file.
